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My Story - My Song (The Testimony of Mercy
Hope)
My life started on a bad note. The world
that I was born into was dark and seemingly hopeless. It was an
existence of homelessness, poverty, domestic violence and fear. We would
have times where we would find a rental house that allowed children, but
we couldn’t afford heat and when the landlords found out we couldn’t pay
the rent we would be put out. We had a couple stints where we lived in a
car and swiped coffee creamers from gas stations and restaurants for
baby bottles. Life went from bad to worse when my mom married a man (who
I’ll call Mr. X) who promised the world. But, his world had a dark side
and we ended up in an extremely abusive relationship.
Our existence grew even darker and seemingly hopeless. Being thrown
across the room, pushed down the steps, beaten, held at gun point or
whatever else Mr. X could think up to do to us was “the norm” growing
up.
Mom was trapped in situation that she didn’t know how to get out of. She
did her best to protect us, and placed herself in the line of fire as
much as she was able but seeing what he did to her, hurt worse than
anything physical that he could do to me. Sometimes, the neighbors would
hear the commotion and call the police and we would be taken to a
“Women’s Shelters” but we always had to go back.
Mom was finally able to get a little money doing typesetting, and
selling advertising, and we were able to rent a house but we still
didn’t make enough money to buy food or clothes. Even though the
discarded wormy food was a bit rough to get down, and the ratty clothes
were a little embarrassing, that was nothing compared to the nightmare
of domestic violence.
When Mr. X was sleeping, or out of the house, I would try to come up
with better hiding places and my brother would head up escape “drills”
but usually neither worked when push came to shove. During the day we
all walked on pins and needles wondering when the next “explosion” would
happen and who the victims would be. Night was even worse as I would lay
awake listening to the sounds of glass breaking, chairs smashing against
the walls, and mom’s pleadings for Mr. X to stop. I felt so helpless,
hopeless, and incredibly vulnerable. We were hostages in our own house.
All this time my “real dad” only lived a few towns away away. My older
brother and sister and I would go for “visitation” one weekend a month.
For my brother and me, it was a welcome break from the violence at home.
As a little girl I looked up to my dad. If someone asked me who my
heroes were I’d say “Superman and Dad.” (It wasn’t until I got a little
older that it really sunk in that dad didn’t care about me; at the time
all I knew was he didn’t beat us.) But my older sister wasn’t naďve like
me. She knew about the side to him that I hadn’t experienced yet, and
preferred the terror back home to the emotional wringer dad could put
you through. You could never be skinny enough, pretty enough, or smart
enough to please him. But I wanted so bad to meet his expectations
because I thought then he would love me, so I just kept trying, and
trying, and trying. I longed for a “normal” relationship with him. I
didn’t understand why he left us in the first place, and why he wouldn’t
come rescue us.
“Sometimes at night I’d lie awake longing inside for my father’s
embrace. And sometimes at night I’d wander downstairs and pray he’d
return but no one was there. Oh how I cried, a child all alone, waiting
for him to come home. My father’s chair sat in an empty room. My
father’s chair covered with sheets of gloom. My father’s chair through
all the years, and all the tears I cried in vain, no one was there in my
father’s chair” 1
When I was nine years old mom got in contact with some people who were
willing to help us and we moved halfway across the country to try to get
away once and for all and make a fresh start. We got plugged into a
Church that was so unlike anything I had ever experienced before.
We had been in churches frequently, but this was different. (Believe me,
just because there is a church building with people in it doesn’t mean
that you will find God there. God doesn’t have any part in most
“churches.” So before you cut me off and say, “Yeah, well I’ve been to
church” or “I’ve tried religion” or “Christians are all a bunch
hypocrites” let me tell you something. I thought that too until I met
REAL Christians.
Just because someone says they are a Christian or goes to church doesn’t
mean a thing. As Keith Green used to say, “Going to church doesn’t make
you a Christian any more than going to McDonald’s makes you a
hamburger.” The Bible says in James 1:27 “Religion that God our Father
accepts is this: to look after orphans and widows in their distress and
keep oneself from being polluted by the world.” A real Christian is
someone who loves Jesus with all their heart and loves everybody else;
putting other people ahead of themselves. If that’s not what you’ve
seen, then you haven’t see Christianity in action.)
The people in that Church actually seemed glad to have us around. They
never acted embarrassed to associate with us and showed us genuine love.
Now, we all want to be loved but the word love has been so twisted and
devalued by our culture that we don’t even know what we’re looking for,
and we go searching in all the wrong places. But real love, like real
religion, is defined in the Bible: “Love is patient and kind. Love is
not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. Love does not demand it’s own
way. Love is not irritable, and it keeps no record of when it has been
wronged. It is never glad about injustice but rejoices whenever the
truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always
hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. Love endures forever.”
Sound like fairy tale stuff? It’s not. I found that kind of love. In
fact, when I met Jesus, I found everything my heart had been crying for.
When He took the pieces of my broken heart and put it back together and
made me whole, I found life!! I don’t just exist now, I live!
I found hope! The future is exciting to me. I don’t dread what I’ll face
when I get up the morning. Instead, I can’t wait to see what God has for
me.
I found peace! I can finally, truly rest. Not that I never walk through
difficult circumstances, but I don’t walk alone anymore. Jesus is always
right beside me, holding me, telling me “don’t be afraid, I’m here, it’s
okay.”
I found joy! When I think about how Jesus saved me; not only from the
neverending hell after death, but also the hell on earth that I was
in—it still to this day thrills my heart.
And, I found a Father who loves me.
“Sometimes at night I dream of a throne where my loving God is calling
me home, and as I appear He rises and smiles and reaches with love to
welcome His child. Never to cry, never to fear, in His arms safe and
secure. My Father’s chair sits in a royal room. My Father’s chair, my
God is there, and I am His eternal heir. Someday I’ll share my Father’s
chair.” 2
I could never have dreamed that I would one day live the life that God
has given me. So many nights I cried myself to sleep I couldn’t even
believe that I would live through the night. But here I am. I am so
blessed.
This is an extremely abridged version of my story, and my song; I can
truly say, He has done so much for me I cannot tell it all! But I want
you to know that what Jesus has done for me He is longing to do for you.
I just want to encourage you to forget your preconceived ideas about who
Jesus is and what He is like, and just get to know Him. Maybe you think,
“Religion is boring.” If so, you are right! Religion, as most people
define it, is boring. But Jesus is not boring!
Maybe you think, “the churches I’ve been in are dead.” I believe you,
most “churches” are. But where the Holy Spirit of the living God is
there is life!
Or, maybe you think Christianity is for wimps. If so, read about all
that Jesus went through and how he was murdered through the process of
Crucifixion spilling out His very lifeblood. I guarantee that no one has
faced more agony, and excruciating pain then what He went through—and He
didn’t have to do it, but He did—for you.
Maybe you think you’re doing okay on your own, that you don’t need Jesus
in your life. Friend, sooner or later you WILL hit a brick wall and
realize the only reason you were ever able to even take a breath is
because of Him. I just pray that you realize that sooner than later
because in God’s book there is a too late: “And I saw a great white
throne, and I saw the one sitting on it. The earth and the sky fled from
His presence but there was nowhere to hide. I saw the dead great and
small, standing before God’s throne. And the books were opened,
including the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to the
things written in the books, according to what they had done...And
anyone whose name was not found recorded in the Book of Life was thrown
into the lake of fire.” (Revelation 20:11-12 & 15)
Maybe you think that you are too far-gone, that He couldn’t love you.
Not a chance! Jesus said in John 6:37 “…whoever comes to me I will never
drive away.” He loves you more than you could ever imagine and if you
seek Him with all your heart you will find Him.
I would like to encourage you to get a Bible that’s easy to understand.
I recommend the NLT (New Living Translation) because it is easy to read
and understand. The NIV (New International Version) is also pretty
simple to understand. Start in the New Testament with Matthew, Mark,
Luke, and John, four men who give an account of some of what Jesus said
and did when He walked this earth—and then keep reading! Get to know
Jesus. He wants relationship with you; talk to Him, let Him speak to you
through the Bible and straight to your heart.
Totally surrender your whole life to Him and let Him write a new script
for your life. His plans for your life are awesome! Believe me, if you
let Jesus change your life, like he changed mine you will never regret
it!
1. & 2. From the song “My Father’s
Chair” written by David Meece © 1993 Meece Music/ASCAP
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